Clan of the Cactus
by mulberry
Summary: [BEEEEEP] We interrupt your PPC experience for this special news bulletin.
1. If She Was There

"Okay, so tell me where I am again, and why I'm here?"

"Well, I think your name is Jaz, that's what you told me. You're in office 221 of the Department of Mary Sues, Middle-Earth section, and you're here because you love Tolkien. If you don't, someone Upstairs has made a big mistake. Oh and I'm Tick." Tick shook her head; someone really had to prepare these new recruits better.

"That's a start. It doesn't explain much, though." Jaz's head hurt. Ever since that letter on the cactus-print letterhead arrived at breakfast things had been getting weirder and weirder. And now that she thought about it, what kind of name was Tick?

"You've been hired to help keep the population of Mary Sues down. Down to zero, actually. You're my partner, we're in our office, and we just have to get you oriented."

"And how do we do that?" Jaz looked over at the spaceship-like control panel taking up the better part of the wall and shuddered. "And what sort of name is Tick?"

"Long story. I'm not going into it. And as for you dearie, you better check your pack box. Each new recruit gets one. Go on, start unpacking!"

Jaz started unpacking the big grey box in front of her. She unloaded everything onto the floor: a cactus crest badge, a thick paperback copy of Lord of the Rings with "Official Canon" and a sunflower stamped on the inside cover, a book twice that size with a DMS & cactus logo, a hand-held computer thing, a towel, a pack of cards and a cactus keychain. 

"So, what now? And what is with the plants?"

"That cactus is our insignia, we wear it with pride. The honour of being chosen to protect and preserve…" Tick's eyes started to glaze over as she recited something she obviously knew very well.

"Hey! Space cadet! Snap out of it and tell me what is going on. This stuff," she indicated the pile in front of her, "doesn't really help me too much."

"Fine, if you're going to get huffy about it. We wear the badge when we leave our office so people know what department we're from. The copy of Lord of the Rings is our reference guide, our bible, if you will, just in case our memories fail. The other book is our hand book, the speech I started before I was so rudely interrupted is on page 173, we also have your Canon Analysis Device, plus a complimentary pack of cards and keychain. Satisfied?"

"No. And the towel?"

"It's froody."

"I won't ask. So, we protect the Lord of the Rings story? So what do we do, sit on this book until it hatches or something?"

"No! We use that," Tick motioned towards the control panel, "to travel into the Sue-worlds, and eliminate them." Tick's voice had gone scarily deep on the word 'eliminate', so Jaz slid her chair ever so slightly closer to the door.

"How do we find the right world? And how can it exist if…"

"Oh just read the manual! It's all in there." Tick wandered off, grumbling to herself. Jaz caught the words "damn new recruits" and "it's always me, isn't it" but decided to ignore them. She hefted the manual up onto her desk in the corner.

A few thousand pages later, Jaz snapped the book shut.

"Well, that was…."

****

[BEEP!!]

"Narrative Laws of Comedy. You'll get used to them. Time for our first mission." Tick uncurled herself from where she had been napping: under her desk, for some strange reason. "Let's see if you can set everything up."

Jaz frowned, but started pressing buttons anyway. A flickering doorway appeared. Tick moved to step through it, but Jaz stopped her.

"Shouldn't we check what we're in for or something? And didn't that manual say something about setting disguises?"

"Oh. Right. Good idea. Better get on that then." Tick started poking around at the side of one of the control panel.

"What are you looking for? The screen is over here." Jaz pointed, while trying to figure out why her so-called partner had no idea what was going on. She shrugged, giving up on Tick, and investigated the words. Tick moved over beside her.

"Oooooh…big surprise. A Legolas romance. What else is new?" Jaz asked rhetorically.

"Well, there is now someone called Biblo in it now. That's a new one." Tick started to giggle and snort.

"Oh calm down. Now, orcs? She actually gets past the breaking of the Fellowship. Just past though."

"Sure. Always wanted funky teeth like that." Tick grabbed her backpack, as Jaz pressed what she hoped were the right buttons. 

"Here goes nothing…" They stepped through the doorway.

The first thing they noticed when they arrived in Rivendell was that the world seemed to be spinning. They both knew that planets are supposed to spin, but none this…fast.

"Yeuk…I feel sick." Jaz was turning green, and that made an interesting addition to her orc-face. "Why the spinning? What's she done to this world?"

Tick concentrated on the words, frowning. "I think it's because she's gone through all of the Fellowship of the Ring in 2000 words. They're going to be moving incredibly fast. I don't think we'll be able to catch them here."

"Well, then let's go along for the ride until it slows down. It will slow down, right?"

"It should, after the Fellowship is broken, and she goes off with Frodo. And I think she might even give Sam one line then." Jaz frowned at that statement and started muttering interesting things about what happens to people who steal Samwise's lines.

"But it's a Legolas romance? Why is she going off with Frodo?" Jaz then remembered she could read ahead. "Oh ye gods! 'I will never see him again…. My hope is gone. He is gone.' If I wasn't feeling sick already, I'd turn green now."

"Here, take this." Tick thrust a pill into Jaz's hand. Jaz looked suspicious. "It's just a travel-sickness pill! I never leave home without them."

After taking the pill, the spinning was almost bearable. It did have the unfortunate side effect of letting them have time to read the words of the world. Jaz turned a very interesting shade of purple, even the more interesting through her orcish skin.

"So, now what should we do? I think the best time to take her is when she actually gets captured by the orcs at the end of chapter 3. Bulldoze that little 'cliffhanger'." Tick cackled happily at the thought.

"Good idea, and if we want to observe her, I think she's over on some balcony or garden in Rivendell. I want to get up close, this is my first mission…." Jaz turned on her puppy eyes and pouted, which is not a good look for an orc.

Tick nodded, and they made they way over. Soon they saw Gwen and Legolas, and crept close enough to hear what Legolas was saying to the Mary Sue: 

"My Gwen, you have captured my eyes in a whole of two days and three nights. Ever since I saw you riding across the river with Frodo. When you defiantly looked toward the Riders and challenged them. 'If you want him, come and claim him.' You were not afraid."  
Jaz was quietly sick in a bush, while Tick was trying to keep from rolling around on the ground and laughing.

"Jeez, she can't even get the movie right! Is this crazy ministry going to set up a movie-abuse control centre too?" Jaz looked at Tick, still feeling (and looking) very green.

"No, I think we just need to get rid of the Mary Sues. And that will be a big enough job for everyone. Remind me to tell you about the recruiting when we get back."

They decided to leave, but not before Jaz got to try out her new toy. She took the hand-held device out of her pack, and aimed it at Legolas. A loud shrilling noise was heard, and the little readout flashed: **[73.43% CHARACTER RUPTURE!!!!!]**

The two assassins walked away, and took refuge in a small grove of trees, shaking their heads at the massacre of such a wonderful literary work.

"So, what should we do now? You said to wait until those orcs pick her up, but that isn't until after the Fellowship is broken. That is one long time from now." Jaz stretched out her legs and sat down.

"You've forgotten how fast this is going. The Fellowship breaks by the end of chapter one. We'll pick her up at the end of chapter three. No time to lose, we have to get out here. Get going with the portal-y thingy."

"Oh goody, we get to miss her yelling how she could've saved Gandalf in Moria." Jaz poked through her pack and found the remote portal control. The flickering doorway appeared and the two orcs stepped through. 

Once they arrived, they quickly hid themselves in the woods. Tick sat down and propped herself up against a tree, while Jaz read the words of the world.

"Hey Tick?"

"Mmmph?"

"Don't go to sleep on me! Do you know any way that a half-elf could live in a hobbit hole?"

"Is it half-hobbit, half-elf?"

"No, definitely man-elf."

"No possible way then. Imagine the logistics. She'd have to have a really weird stoop when she left. Why was she living with the hobbits anyway?"

"Some junk about protecting Frodo, ever since _Biblo's_ party."

Jaz snorted. Massacring hobbit names (and taking away their lines) were the best way to get on her bad side. Just as she decided to settle down, Tick twitched and sat up.

"I think I hear something. She's supposed to come running through the trees, and meet the orcs. And, before you ask, this idiot runs away from her camp, in known orc country because Frodo kissed her, and she misses her pookie-muffin, Leggy." Tick giggled.

"Please tell me she doesn't really call him 'pookie-muffin Leggy'."

"She doesn't, but I wouldn't put it past her. Now, behind the tree! I'll grab, you hit her head to knock her out so we can get away and charge her."

The two pseudo-orcs hid in the trees. Right on cue, they heard Gwen's footsteps running towards them. She sank to the ground, then her eye caught a black blur. As she moved for her bow, she felt herself being grabbed by two hairy arms, and then a sharp pain in the back of her head. 

Half an hour's march later she was showing signs of waking up. Tick plonked her down, and then sat on her legs so they wouldn't have to bother tying her down.

"I've got her pinned, and you've got the charges?"

"Yup, I think I figured them out. So, how are you going to do it?"

"Do what?" Tick looked confused, and the wriggled a bit to get comfortable. The lump beneath her moaned.

"Kill her, dingbat! We have to get rid of her, right? What are we going to do otherwise? Open a zoo?"

"I thought you were going to do it.'

"But I thought you were…."

"Well, she has to die somehow. I'll look through my bag for something. Here, you sit on her for a second."

They traded places, and Tick rummaged through her bag. Finally, she pulled out a slightly faded, flower-patterned beach towel with a triumphant flourish.

"Here we go! Never leave home without a towel, that's what I always say."

"Do I want to know how that solves our problems?"

"Well, we have a few options, really, but I was thinking of tying her to a tree with it. Makes it all easier. Here, help before she wakes up."

Soon enough the now conscious Mary-Sue was tied to the tree. Jaz stepped towards her, nervously.

"Gwen, it is my duty to inform you that you have been charged with disrupting the canon by joining the Fellowship, interfering with the characters of multiple characters- most notably Legolas and Frodo- stealing Sam's lines and making him into a bit character, also being a Mary Sue. Oh, and it's Bilbo. Not 'Biblo'. BILBO!" The orc finished, and looked very proud of itself. "Any last, non-sappy words?"

"Just tell Legolas that his Gwen loved him and…." She was cut off by the second orc jumping forward.

"I've had enough of this. Those are definitely not non-sappy words. Stand still…." Tick went up to the now struggling half-elf, and took an arrow out of her quiver. She then retrieved the bow from where it lay on the ground.

"Don't touch that bow, filth! That was the last thing Legolas gave me…." Gwen's eyes started to tear up again.

"Really now? Well, when you're gone, I think he'll be glad it has been put to good use." Tick pulled back the bowstring, and shot Gwen through the heart. The two assassins were instantly aware of a strange, but welcome, sensation. That of the world slowing down its spinning to normal speed.

"Wow," Jaz stepped up to untie Tick's towel before it got blood on it. "You're a better shot than I thought. They way you were talking before I didn't think you'd thought about killing her."

"Truthfully, I didn't. And I was aiming for a nice, in-between the eyes shot. But it got the job done. Now, what to do with the body?"

"Well, how many days after the breaking of the Fellowship are we?" Jaz seemed to have the germ of an idea.

"I don't know, dates weren't really featured in this fic. Maybe three or four?"

"Then there is due to big a big bonfire soon. Of course it will be the orcs being burnt, but we could always throw her on. The Rohirrim won't mind. And the dates are so dodgy right now that we could probably arrive when we wanted, if we thought hard enough."

"Portal again? Aragorn, Legolas and Gimli may be able to do it quickly, but I don't feel like trekking around with her over my shoulder."

Jaz nodded and got out the remote.

Back at Headquarters, Tick and Jaz collapsed in their chairs.

"My first mission. That was such a rush! Say Tick, how many missions have you been on? Was your first a big rush too?"

"Yeah, that one was a bit of a rush. But that just might have been the effect of the world spinning ten times too fast."

"That was your first mission? They partnered me up with someone who had no idea what they were doing? I knew it! I knew you were weird. You didn't know anything about the machines or anything. Oh my God…I'm going to see that manager. Director. Whatever the head of this organisation is."

"He's a flower. He won't do anything. That was just my first Mary Sue mission. Hey, I said I'd tell you about the recruiting process, didn't I? I tell you how they got me." Tick settled down in her chair, and grabbed a chocolate bar out of a drawer in the desk. "Up until this morning, I was in the Department of Bad Parody. I started as a diffuser of bad puns. The computer for that was like a ticker-tape machine. Very old fashioned, but all I had to do was cut out the puns. I worked my way up from there. We didn't go into the fics very often, we just read them on the ticker-tape, or the new screens, and deleted stuff. Then one day we got a memo saying to automatically delete everything with a summary that said "Guaranteed to make you laugh!" or "Funniest thing you'll ever read!" or "I make myself laugh!" You get the idea. That cut our department in half. I was lucky; they let me stay on, because I was a promising young worker. Then another memo came to me, it said they wanted to study _good_ humour, find out what really makes something funny, and they were sending me into a fic. They sent me into "BagEnders". Have you heard of it?" Tick stopped to let Jaz answer, but more for a bite of the chocolate bar.

"Yes! It _is_ one of the funniest things I've ever read. Can we get into it from our computer?"

"No, humour isn't usually connected up to it like the Mary Sues are. Anyway, the reason they decided to switch me was, that when the time came for me to come back and report, I didn't. I stayed there. I couldn't leave; it was too much fun. I said I wasn't going to, so I hid behind Gandalf's chair. I didn't think they could find me there, but they have some sort of extractor. I was hauled up in front of our director. He's only a pansy, but he demoted me, and they sent me here, 'cause they're so short of people." Tick finished the chocolate bar with her second bite.

"Aww…poor you. But if your ex-boss ever heard you calling him a pansy, he would've demoted you anyway, wouldn't he?"

"No, Jaz, you don't understand, he IS a pansy. A little yellow pansy in a pot. You have a lot to find out about this place."


	2. The Journey of Min

__

-----  
To Penelope Lane, author of "The Journey of Min": your story and description of Min was good. But, she does not belong in the Tolkien canon. If you wrote a story of Min and faeries, but in an original universe, I think it would be much better (you might even be able to make money from it with some polishing!). Sorry for what I did to her, but she didn't belong there.  
-----

"Hey, Tick?"

"Mmm hmm?"

"What do you think about all this Real Person Fic popping up in the Lord of the Rings sector?"

"Well, there's nothing we can really do about it, can we? We can only fix things when we know what is going to happen next, and what has already happened, is not what really happens." Tick looked confused, and tried to figure out if she had said what she meant. She decided she had and rewarded herself with some mini Easter eggs, slightly stale.

"But there must be something we can do about it! It's terrible! And the actors can't be doing all this at once. If they did, how many girlfriends does Orlando have? In New Zealand, England and LA, to name just a few places."

"Yes, they're all mutually exclusive situations. But think about what we would have to do: they all are set, well I think they are, in the real world. So we can't really call the love interest a Mary Sue. That person probably does exist in the real world. They may be nowhere near Orlando, Elijah or any other actor, but think of the research we would have to do to get license to kill them. There is nothing we can do. And technically, the real world is not a continuum, so there is no canon to violate; only common sense."

"But doesn't it bug you at all? Doesn't it seem strange at all, writing about someone who really exists as a person?"

"The Fellowship really exists, you must have noticed that on our mission."

"Yes but… it's not the same. I still think we should save the actors from all that…stuff." Jaz closed the computer window she had been reading and put her feet up on the console.

"It is weird, but we'd have to talk to the actors, or find some type of portal into their houses to check and see if they have been doing stuff in the stories…" Tick stopped there, because there was a strange light in Jaz's eyes. "What's gotten into you now?"

"Portal…house…precioussssssssss…." Jaz's eyes glazed over as she grinned happily.

"Cut that out. You know it won't happen. And those hobbits don't really have feet like that, so are you sure you'd still like them?" Tick was hazarding a guess at her partner's taste in canonical men. They hadn't really had time to talk to each other as people instead of assassins.

"Hey…wha…how do you know?"

"Elementary, my dear partner."

"Well, who is yours?"

"That wonderful elf with a bow…."

"You're a Legolustbunny?" Jaz looked disgusted. "I didn't think they let Legolustbunnies in here. Seeing him out of character in every single fic would drive them mad!"

"Prince Shmince. _My_ elf is in Lothlorien. With his bow, on his flet, being all guardy…."

"Ah. Haldir." Tick nodded happily.

****

[Brrrrrruuuup!]

"What was that?" Tick peeked out from under her desk. Loud noises tended to frighten her.

"Something over here…."Jaz tapped a few buttons on the console. "Wow."

"What?"

"All the Real People Fics are gone."

"Awwww…and we didn't even get to tell the Sunflower Official our idea about portals into their houses. Still, it's enough reason to party." It turned out Tick's idea of a party was breaking out more chocolate. Jaz still had no idea how it all fit into that tiny desk. Then she noticed something strange about said desk. There was something green that wasn't there before.

"What's that thing on the corner of your desk?"

"A Venus flytrap."

"Is he one of our superiors? You weren't kidding about those plant dudes, were you?"

"I wasn't kidding about that, but this is nothing really. I thought it would be the best way to get on the good side of Upstairs. Like looking after your boss's grandmother or something. I'm just looking after one of their kind."

"Does he have a name?" To Jaz, Tick seemed like just the type of person that would name a plant. And then hold conversations with it.

"Seymour."

"Go figure."

"Any way, I think we might need his hunting skills soon."

"Hunting skills? He can't move from his pot… can he?"

"No, but the team down the hallway just redecorated with a stuffed unicorn head and matching carpet. They say it's totally cured, but I don't know. If that doesn't attract flies I don't know what will."

Jaz nodded. She had decided not to ask anymore questions. She only ever got weird answers.

**[BEEP!!!]**

"Here we go again." Tick sat down and looked at the scrolling words. Oh…a long one. I recommend we get her early…." Tick jumped out of her chair and curled up into the fetal position under her desk.

"What now?" The only reply Jaz got was a high pitched keening that sounded like"…bad puns, bad puns, bad puns…not again…never never never ever….".

Tick uncurled herself slightly, and pointed towards the screen. "Check the chapter with the ents! Don't make me look again."

"Oh my… 'Treebeard explained the *ent*ire ent lifestyle to the visitors.' Hey, did you see the second one too? The one about *ent*ering his house?"

"Please don't…. I've had enough bad puns for a lifetime. An _elf's_ lifetime even. Just cue up our orcs and we can go." 

"Already done it. Let's head out."

Once in Rivendell, the two orcs sat and leaned against some trees.

"So Jaz, what are we up against? I couldn't see anything but those puns."

"Her name is Min. Short for some long name, she's lived in Rivendell almost all her life, and she's a faerie."

"That can be our first charge. Being a member of a non-existent species. And I bet our second charge is her joining the Fellowship, yes?"

"Yup. I'm starting to notice a pattern here."

"Let's go watch the council. We need something to do, unless you brought the cards."

"Let's go watch."

As they sat and watched, they couldn't help but notice the looks Min and Legolas were sending each other. 

"She's making Legolas act like a lovesick teenager!" Tick followed this comment by reaching out from the bush she was hiding in and tugging on Min's wings. The faerie turned, but saw nothing. When Min jumped up and offered her powers in sorcery, Boromir protested. Both assassins cheered for the man of Gondor. 

As the council finished, Jaz started to make her way back to the grove of trees to sleep.

"Where are you going?"

"Sleep…tired…."

"But they're leaving now!"

"The same day as the council?"

"Yes. Get your pack, and let's get going."

Jaz groaned, and trudged after her partner.

"Thirty-three."

"Thirty-fou...five."

"Thirty-six through forty-two."

After days of trudging along behind the Fellowship and the Sue, the assassins had found something to pass the time with. Every morning they started a new tally of how many times Pippin glanced adoringly at Min, sighed or just generally looked lovestruck.

"Tick?"

"Yes? Forty-three."

"Why are we following them? Why don't we just get her now?"

"I was wondering when you'd ask that. We're doing this because neither of us went to get any canon weapons before this mission. We have to wait for an opportunity."

"Remind me to get some weapons when we get back. Oh, and did you know that Sauron made the One Ring out of faerie necklaces?"

"Excuse me?"

"Their power necklaces that keep them alive and immortal. He stole them all and that's why she faints every now and then."

"Oh…I wondered what was with the swooning."

"Yes, and apparently that's why faeries are almost extinct. He had to take lots because they used to only be six inches tall."

"Too bad she isn't that small now, it would make things a lot easier." 

They plodded on in silence for a little while more. The Sue was making confused eyes at Legolas. Legolas was busy thinking about the Sue. Pippin was still staring adoringly. Tick was staring vacantly into space as she read the words.

"That's it! I have it!" Tick shouted suddenly, and Jaz pulled her behind a tree.

"What are you doing? Min can see us, remember?" She looked over, and saw Min staring into the forest, confused.

"Get the portal out! I know what we can do; I should've read ahead earlier. I was just scared because the puns are up ahead."

"I hope your plan involves killing her before the puns start."

"Oh yes, no worries. That portal works with time too right?"

"Yes, it uses a combination of improbability drive and plot holes."

"I didn't ask how it worked. Take us to when Pippin, Merry and Min are captured."

"All right, but I want a full explanation when we get there."

Once at Parth Galen, they hid and waited for the canon orcs to show up.

"Explanation. Now." Jaz was getting impatient. Her partner seemed too happy.

"No time, here they come. I'll grab Min and you follow me. Just blend in with the orcs. It should be too hard."

The fight had started, and soon Merry and Pippin had been captured. Tick saw an Uruk-hai heading for Min, and intercepted him. She slung Min over her shoulder and started quick-marching off with the others. Jaz followed, not quite sure why she was trusting her partner.

When the marching had finally stopped, a long time later, Jaz collapsed onto the ground.

"Ooooh…. I am NEVER doing that again. Owie…."

"Quit your complaining, it's almost over. And if you do complain, do it in the Black Speech, you'll blend in better."

"Now what? I don't want any more surprises."

"Well, Min thinks she's loosened her bonds. I did it for her, to make our job quicker. Her plan is that she's going to shrink herself down to normal faerie size, and then find Merry and Pippin and rescue them in true Sue fashion. She'll be easy to handle when she's tiny, and then everyone is happy."

"Hmmm…. There is a method to your madness."

"Quick, get behind her. If we lose her when she's that size we'll never get her again."

The assassins took their places just behind and out of sight of the faerie. She took some faerie dust from her wings, rubbed it over herself and recited: "Trick of size/Elven Height/Turn your eyes/Shrink the sprite."

"NOW!" Tick and Jaz jumped forward, with their hands cupped. They landed, in accordance with the Universal Laws of Comedy, on top of each other.

"Did you get her, Tick?"

"I think so." Tick peeked into her hands. "Yup. And she's getting feisty."

"Let's get away from these guys and charge her." Jaz pulled out the portal and transported them deep into Fangorn forest. "I don't think anyone will bother us here, she's the only one that can really see us."

"Here, I'll hold her, you read the charges. Just talk to my hands." Tick smiled, and shook her hands to get the faerie to stop kicking.

"Minnialata Cinnatuft. (First charge is having too long a name!) It is my duty to inform you that you have been charged with disrupting the canon by joining the Fellowship, interfering with the personalities of multiple characters, most notably Legolas and Pippin, being a member of a non-existent species, to whit, faeries, and being a Mary Sue. Any last, sap-less words?"

"Jaz, don't forget the puns!"

"Oh yes. You are also charged with being a creator of bad puns, and writer of bad poetry. Also changing Middle-earth magic; you don't have to recite stupid rhymes to do it. Shame on you."

A small squeaking came from Tick's hands. Tick shook them again, and the squeaking stopped.

"I couldn't hear them, but I doubt they weren't sappy. Now, get that portal up and let's get back."

"What about Min?"

"Just get me back to my desk."

"Headquarters won't like this. I know they won't."

"Please?"

Jaz shook her head, but got the remote portal device out of her pack anyway. Headquarters could blame Tick while she took a nice hot bath.

Back in their response centre, Tick ran over to her desk.

"Seymour… mummy's got some din-dins for you pookie…." As Tick bent over her desk, Jaz finally realised what was going to happen, and had to lean on the console to stop herself falling on the ground laughing.

"Tick! Don't feed her to Seymour yet. If those girls down the hall can keep unicorn parts, I think we are entitled to some faerie dust."

"Oooh, good idea. Hand me an envelope." Tick took her empty coffee mug and turned it upside down over the faerie. Min was still unconscious from the shaking, but Tick was taking no chances. She then dug in the back of her desk drawer and came out with an old toothbrush. She looked over at her partner who had an envelope in her hand and quizzical look on her face.

"Before you ask, the toothbrush is for cleaning under the keys on the console. Hold the envelope open just there." With that, Tick released the faerie from under the mug and held her by her legs. When she had scraped most of the faerie dust off, she put the toothbrush down.

"Here you go Seymour, sorry you had to wait a bit, but we don't want you getting sick, do we?" Jaz shook her head; she had been right about Tick. Daft as a brush.

"There, doesn't Seymour look happy now?" Tick smiled indulgently at her 'baby'. Jaz looked over. He did seem to be grinning at them. Then, he tilted his stem slightly and almost spat out a small necklace.

"Aww, a Mother's Day present!" Tick took the faerie necklace and put it on her finger. "It makes a very nice ring. Thanks, Seymour darling."

"Tick, do you want to try some of this stuff?"

"The faerie dust? What will we do with it?"

"Remember what Walt Disney said? Just think happy thoughts." Tick's eyes lit up as she led the way to the longest hallway in Headquarters.


	3. EMERGENCY!!

****

[BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP!]

Emergency! The original PPC has disappeared, as I so rudely found out this morning when I decided to re-read the last chapter. Not only that, but the author "HarpWire" is (according to ff.net) "no longer an active member of fanfiction.net". I don't know why they did this, as the PPC is not an MST, which they don't allow, and by no stretch of the imagination is it an actor fic. Now us spin-offers and fans alike must keep watch…maybe tomorrow this one will be gone, or another spin-off. I emailed Acacia this morning, asking if she knew what was going on, but no reply yet. We may just have to set up our own little website for PPC. Have a Head Quarters page.

The other possibility is that the Sunflower Official has decided to fire two of his best assassins and recruiting agents, and I don't think even a flower would do that.

I'm not quite sure what I'm trying to say in this, and I'm not sure what we can do, I think I just want to connect with all the other fans of the PPC out there. If anyone has any suggestions, suggest away!

****

[EDIT] sorry, just realized that I should remind all spin-offers that they may take down your stories and/or immobilize your account like what we _think_ happened to Jay and Acacia. We have to remember that it isn't 100% certain ff.net did it. It is only 99% certain. And the main point of this extra note was to remind everyone to make sure they have their stories saved somewhere else other than here. Not just PPC stuff, if they take away your account, I'm assuming all your other stories go too.


	4. News Brief

****

News Briefs from our chiefs

Here is the reply I got from Acacia (I would have posted it earlier, but I was busy getting sunburnt). What I wrote in my email is written like _this_.

-----start of brief-----

__

Has ff.net taken the PPC off? Or did you take it off and disconnect the username 'HarpWire' as well?   
  
FF.N did it. Eeeeeeevil..   
  
_If ff.net has taken it off, what was it violating? It wasn't an MST, or an actor fic.... weird._   
  
I don't think it violated anything; probably the sheer volume of Suvian complaints triggered it.   
  
_I guess that means that the spin-offs are next...._   
  
All spinoff authors would be well-advised to back up their fic, in case they're deleted as well; spread the word.   
  
It's a nasty blow, but the PPC has not been daunted; the Philosopher at Large kindly agreed to host us at http://members.bellatlantic.net/~vze3b4pq/PPC_TOS/PPC_main.html so be grateful to her and let everyone you know know where we are now. 

-------end of brief-------

So right now I am being very grateful to PaL * grovels in Pal's general direction * and I'm posting this up for all to see, at least before this fic gets taken down.

PS: just checked my own reviews, and thanks to everyone who has suggested stuff, and posted things which I have just repeated in this 'chapter'. * goes into Winston Churchill mode * "We shall fight them on the beaches (of the Anduin), we shall fight them at the Council. We shall fight them in Lothlorien, but we shall never surrender (to ff.net or the Sues!)"

My deepest apologies to Winston Churchill for the last part of my post.


End file.
